last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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