My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
My feet surprised me
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize