Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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