final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
