Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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