the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
