The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
