i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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