Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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