Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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