so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
where are my pants?
in the oven.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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