A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
