just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
