I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
