Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
