You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
