Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
