I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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