someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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