Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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