apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
