I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
