I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
