it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
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I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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