How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
