I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
And then my night got REAL pukey
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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