and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
