I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
