Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
