when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
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her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
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So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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