How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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