I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
