if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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