I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
