she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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