You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
