Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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