you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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