Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
