proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize