i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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