rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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