Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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