Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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