Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
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It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
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Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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