I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
