i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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