By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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