i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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