Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
