i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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