Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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