Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
