Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
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