imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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