So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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