Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
